I… Um. Yeah.
Look OK I know it’s got to be more than that. I’m thinkin’.
I mean I don’t want to get into perfection and all but…
Got to come up with somethin’ better ‘n this.
Or not. Or not.
Repeat myself. Yeah. That’s what I’ll do.
Pete and Repeat were in a boat.
You ever heard that one?
Even if you haven’t, you can probably guess where that one’s heading.
Did you ever hear the Oh Wha Ta Goo Siam one? Did you ever hear that one? Oh What a Goose.
Ok. Here we go. No more foolin’ around.
Time
Ok. Got it. I should let somebody else up here.
I’ve used up all my –
TIME
Yeah. Exactly.
Is all my time used up?
I’m over time?
Shit.
Ok sorry. I didn’t mean to say that.
Shi-
Holy crap. Almost did it again.
Not going to do it – again.
-TIIIIME-
Look. This shit ain’t easy.
Ok. I said it again. Sorry.
One more joke.
No?
Shit.
Please?
Ok. Let somebody else up here.
Is this thing on?
tap tap tap
Ok. That was another joke… I guess.
One more?
No?
And let’s hear it for the letter I. A round of applause…
Next up. She says she is not as quiet as you might think. Here she is…
You would think I wouldn’t have much to say.
BTW I’m not the letter O. I’m a zero.
Had to SPELL it so you would understand.
Nobody understands me.
That was relatively short. But there’s a sort of genius in that. Don’t you agree?
Who’s next?
Oh. Ok. Well it looks like we are having a little intermission, here, folks. Get up, have a drink. Walk around. Stretch.
I am not you. Let’s start with that.
I am also not a ewe.
Baaaaa.
I’m makin’ the sound of a ewe.
I don’t know what a ewe sounds like. Do you?
Kind of a pun.
pUn.
Get it?
If you don’t… Ok. Not here to explain that joke. Either you got it or you didn’t.
Time to punt.
I don’t know about you, but I’m gettin’ a kick out of this.
Vewwy punny.
Hey guess what? I’m an upside down n.
Not a big one. A SMALL…Curly’s. SMALL.
Tenacious D.
They used to be cool before that guy threatened Trump with MURDER.
Kind of not cool.
Too many people are being SHOT these days.
What? That’s not funny? I know it’s not funny. WTH? I was funny enough before. I can be funny again.
Hey, look Ma. I’m the Joker. See my big smile?
Only thing is I’m missin’ teeth.
That happens when you do too much meth. That’s a joke. It’s not funny? We’re back to THAT again?
Ok, well, I had better skeddadle. Who loves ya Babe?
Kojak. Not Kolchak. The Night Stalker. Loved that series. A different monster every time. No, Kojak. The bald guy.
Well, that’s my set and I’m stickin’ to it. Norm Macdonald. I steal jokes. I’m a joke stealer. Told you I was the Joker. No, not really. You really think I’m the Joker? Well, I do tell jokes. Not enough of ’em, apparently.
Kojak. The guy with the lollipop always in his mouth. Look it up on YouTube. I don’t want to explain it.
Look Ma. I’m upside down.
Upside with a U.
Or maybe not a U. Maybe a ewe.
Baaaaaa.
Another pun.
Do you know what a joke that is not a pun is?
An UN-pun.
I just made that one Up. Up with a U.
Or a ewe.
Up to you (ewe, U, you).
Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.
And let’s hear it for the letter U. A round of applause…
That guy…was kind of scary. Well, who am I to judge?
It’s his set. He can do whatever he wants with it.
Except SCARE everybody.
Mr. Stephen King.
Call an UN-dertaker.
Someone from the crowd thinks he’s a comedian. Enough from the peanut gallery.
What’s that? Ok, someone from the crowd is tellin’ me that it was NOT Norm Macdonald that came up with “That’s my story, and I’m stickin’ to it.” It was that other guy. SNL. It’s easy to get that mixed up. Ok. Who’s next?
What? A kid? Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a youngster. It’s her first time up here. Give a round of applause for the small letter e.
This is my Hilary Clinton impression.
E-mails!!!
ThAnkyA verymush.
That was my Elvis Presley.
That’s it.
That was pretty good for a first time up here. Wouldn’t you say? Give her a hand.
That Elvis Presley imitation was every bit as good as Andy Kaufman.
He was the…weird guy. SNL again. Yeah, I know they had some weird guys. He was the really weird guy. Over the top. Mighty Mouse.
Here I come to save the day…
My Andy Kaufman impression.
Oh, we’re havin’ so much fun up here.
Emails. That was so good. Her first time up here and she came up with that.
The night is young. Who is next?
He’s a little bit shy. No, it’s not Andy Kaufman.
He looks tough. But he’s a real sweetie. Bring him up here. The letter K, folks.
Why am I suddenly thinking about cereal?
It’s cause I’m so SPECIAL.
Hey, I heard one of you was talking about Stephen King.
Where would Stevie be without me? Eh?
King.
I’m a big deal.
That big K on all those booKs.
I dunno. I might have to get another writer for these jokes.
joKes
Don’t get me wrong. I love Stephen King. But he’s not the funniest guy out there.
Kind of scary.
His jokes on Twitter/X. I dunno. Bad jokes from the Creepster. Hey, but he isn’t a creep. I actually agree with him, what I read on there. I mean, what he is really saying is…
All this shit that’s happening in the world and in this country (the US) is, well, kind of SCARY. Guy has a POINT.
.
One of those.
Looks kind of like an eyeball. Or an Iris. Ayiyiy.
I’m trying. Like I said earlier. It ain’t easy up here. You got that right.
Wait a minute. “I” didn’t say it. I said it. You know. The letter I. That’s right. Got to be articulate if I can.
I’m not the letter I. But I am… Well, how do I put it? I (the letter) isn’t the only one who gets to talk that way, saying “I” this and “I” that. Even though I’m a K, still, I get to say…I, when referring to myself.
What’s that? Wasn’t funny? Well, I know that. You don’t think I know that?
It wouldn’t work if I couldn’t say I. You know, like, hey, how ya doin’? I’m the letter K. Pleased to meet you. That sort of thing.
That wasn’t funny, either?
Well, I know that. I knew that. (My arms are aKimbo.)
You can kind of see that. Right? If you look at me kind of crooked like.
Alright, so… Jokes. Jokes… With a K… How about a Knock Knock joke?
Knock knock. Who’s there?
I actually have no idea how I am going to get out of this bit.
That’s the joke. I guess. Not much of a Knock knock joke. Hey but don’t knock it. Here we go with the puns. I’m not really a punster. Not like U…
I don’t get much respect. Me and Rodney Dangerfield. Look, this is what I mean. You put a vowel in front of me. Nobody likes that. Think of it. All you get is uk and ik. I know I’m spelling it wrong. But you know what I mean. Uk. Ik. Ak. Ek. Ok. Well, actually that last one was OK.
Technically, if you spell it right, you get ick. With a C. C helps me out. Without C, where would I be?
Sesame Street. Am I right?
Kermit. With a K.
time
Hey, wait a minute. That’s I’s gig. Ok. I guess my time is up. I yield back my balance of time. But I did OK. Right? Am I right? OK. I’m outa here. Ya’ll be good. See ya later alligator. After awhile, crocodile.
Ok. Well. What can you say about that? It was OK. Right?
Well, ladies and germs, our next – What’d you say? Oh. Ok. Well, due to Covid, we can’t do that joke. Sorry. In the words of Emily Litella, never mind.
Well, anyway… What am I up here for? Oh yeah, to introduce everybody. I had a brain freeze moment. Our next comedian – if we can even call them that. Alright, these aren’t the most professional comedians. What do you expect for a blog? Anyway. Our next comedian is…oh my. What the hell is THAT? Alright. We’ll give him a try.
What do we call him?
Our next comedian goes by the name of Micky Moose. Give him a hand. Come on up here and give us your stuff.
Hey everyone. I know a famous mouse. I swear I have met him. I can’t say his name because of lawyers and stuff. But you know who I’m talking about. I can’t say that? Ok. You don’t know who I’m talking about. But I swear he’s really famous. I know him.
I’m not famous.
I know I kind of look famous. But pretty much, I’m just your average shmoe.
Well, actually, I’m above average. Cause I’m from Minnesota. Lake Wobegon. Where all the children are above average.
Minnesota. Where people, especially the women, talk really sweetly. You know the way they talk. Eem from Meeneesota.
Meeneesota. Where if you’re not careful, you can get shot.
This is not going well.
I know a famous mouse.
I said that before. Didn’t I?
I’m a name dropper. Actually, I’m technically NOT a name dropper because I didn’t say his name. You know. Lawyers and stuff.
Ok. I don’t know him personally. But I swear I have looked at him a lot. On cartoons and stuff.
I got him to sign his autograph on my arm. You can’t see it from where you are standing. But he really did.
I don’t have any arms? I swear I do. You just can’t see them. They’re hiding.
I always tell the truth. I’m a real boy.
See, my nose didn’t grow one bit. If your nose doesn’t grow, that means you are telling the truth. I swear. You didn’t know that? Now you do.
I know a famous puppet. I swear, I’m telling the truth. My nose isn’t growing at all.
At least I’m not Voldemort. He doesn’t even have a nose. Boy, I guess he tells the truth ALL THE TIME.
I’m Charlie Brown. I’m a blockhead.
I can’t say that? Due to lawyers and stuff. I’m not really Charlie Brown. I’m just pretending to be him.
I met him, actually. In a cartoon. I was an extra. You didn’t see me? I was there. I swear. They didn’t pay me but I was an extra.
He even gave me a chance to kick the football. I wasn’t able to, though, because of Lucy.
What’s that? I can’t say that joke? Sure I can. It’s not a joke. It really happened.
I swear.
Scout’s honor. I was a boy scout. Not really. Have to admit. I was a cub scout. I didn’t make it to boy scout.
You know. Now that I think about it, if you are only a boy when you are a boy scout, what are you when you are a cub? A baby bear? Or maybe an infant baby. You should not be hiking and stuff when you are that small. They should keep you at home.
See. I know a lot of stuff. I’m smart. Plus I met Mick – oops. I almost said his name. But it’s also part of MY name. So I should be able to say that part. The first part.
I know a famous Moose. The one with the squirrel.
I was on a cartoon with him. I know everybody. Well, I watched him on cartoons. Doesn’t that count?
Let’s see… Who else do I know? I know a lot. I swear. I’m not lying.
I have round ears. Mouse ears. see? I’m famous.
I’m a television. With mouse ears.
They’re supposed to be rabbit ears. But mine are mouse. But I’m still a television.
I watch too much TV.
I’m not really a TV. I’m just pretending to be one.
How do you think I know all these famous people? Cause I see them all on TV.
Ok. Well. Enough of that. Where did he come from, anyway? He’s definitely not a letter. He’s not even an asterisk. Or a dollar sign. Or anything. Alright, well, we gave him a chance. Give him a hand, I guess.
After that, I think we need a little break. Maybe not an intermezzo. But at least a little break. Don’t you agree? Oh my. The characters we get up here.
Well, we’re back. And you know what that means. More letters. Up next, the letter P.
I shouldn’t have drank all that water before I got up here. I have to pee.
No. I really do have to pee. I’m not just sayin’ it.
Why didn’t I go? That doesn’t matter right now. When you got to go, you got to go.
Ok. Well, so much FOR THAT. Who’s next?
Y. Ok, great. The letter Y. Wait. They are telling me something. Oh, you said “Why.” Why, as in, why are we still doing this? It’s performance. The show must go on. That’s why. You don’t like it? That really doesn’t matter all that much. I mean, it does. But also, it doesn’t. We got to perform. So, let’s get the REAL letter Y up here, and maybe he can answer some questions.
I Yam what I Yam.
I did not start with my best joke. That was just a warmer upper.
I do acrobatics. Check this out.
That looks like my shadow but it is really me doing a handstand.
Those aren’t easy to do, I’ll have you know.
I’m a little cryptic.
Here we go with the Stephen King reference. Crypt. No more of that. Let’s not get morose. Hey, don’t be cryptical of me. I’m not cryptic. Everybody’s a cryptic.
There’s been this thing going around. Everybody’s been saying I’m a Yes Man. I’m not a Yes Man. I do not work for the Trump administration. So I’m not a Yes Man. Occasionally I say yes. But I do not do that for the president. But yes, sometimes I do say yes. But not all the time.
Ok. Sometimes I say yes to the president.
I don’t want to get shot.
Now some of you are saying that the president didn’t really get shot at. Because he still has his ear. Unlike Van Gogh. Look. I’m into conspiracy theories as much as the next guy. But some people actually did get killed. Are you saying that was fake? Because they really did get killed.
So, you’re saying that the president faked a bloody ear and was willing for one or more of his supporters to get killed so that he could be president?
Ok. I guess I’ll go with that. Far stranger things have happened.
Enough about politics. Politics is a real snooze. Don’t you think? Trump this. Trump that. Everything all the time. Trumpety Trump Trump. You cannot get away from it.
I don’t know about you, but I’m pretty much Trumped out. What’s that you say? We have how many more years of this? I-Yi-Yi.
I’m going back to bed.
I hope Trump’s not there.
But he could be. He’s on television all the time. Everywhere you look. Enough about Trump. Right? Fuck Trump – not literally. Figuratively, I’m speaking. Woa nellie.
He’s cute in an oddball sort of way. But not that cute.
Alright. Let’s talk about the elephant in the room. You know what I’m talking about. The Epstein files. I guess the basic question we all have to ask is, is our president, or actually, was our president a rapist? E. Jean Carrol, too.
If so… We got a rapist as a president. Well, to be honest, probably not the first time that’s happened. What’s with you people? Can’t you come up with anything better than that?
He had better hope he doesn’t end up in prison. From what I hear, they don’t fancy rapists. Just sayin’.
Bill Cosby might know something about that. Of course, he had his powers of comedy. I don’t know if that helped him. Maybe it did.
This ain’t no kid show. When do kids read these days anyway? They get AI to do it for them.
AI-Yi-Yi.
Just sayin’.
I do say yes a lot. I have to admit. Kind of comes with the territory. Know what I’m sayin’?
Yes.
I dunno. It just feels good to say.
Better than no. I’ll have to learn that one. Just say no. Well, I said it and I don’t feel any happier. I said it twice, in fact. In a row.
YES.
I dunno. It just feels better to say that. But, quite honestly, you shouldn’t say yes all the time. And yes, I used a variant of no. See, I can say it, and sometimes you have to. But, honestly, how are you going to get everybody else to say yes to your requests if you are saying no all the time? Yes?
I’m a salesman. Looking for YES in a world of NOs.
Talk about a needle in a haystack.
Problem is, and you know very well this to be true, people say yes to the wrong things. Like Trump. He’s probably done that quite a bit.
Sorry I mentioned him again. You know, he’s hard to get rid of. Like an infestation or something.
Change of subject. (Whew.) You know that fork in the road? You know what I’m talking about. Robert Frost or somebody wrote a poem about it. And then that guy, that self help guy – this was a long time ago, wrote a book called The Road Less Traveled. Yep, that’s me. Actually, maybe not. Maybe and maybe not. That’s more me. I’m like, maybe, maybe not.
Indecision weighs heavily on me.
One thing I am sure about, though. Don’t take heroin. Not even once. Not a good idea. I will say yes to a lot of things. But not that. You know. Because it’s…HEROIN.
Actually, these days it’s more likely to be Fentanyl. Which is actually worse. Can you believe that?
There are other things to say no to. Sure. I get it. And frankly, I would not have a problem saying no to those things. Like, would you like to eat a plate of dog poop? I would say no to that. Out and out no. Right off the bat.
I could come up with other stuff to say no to. You know? Because, well, they aren’t things you would ever want to do. You know that saying never say never? Because if you say never, then suddenly you might end up doing it.
Then for sure I will not ever say I’m never going to eat a big steaming plate of dog poop. You know what I mean?
Because if I said never would I do that, I might end up having to do it, and I really don’t look forward to that experience.
There’s other stuff I would never say I would never do.
Hey, wait a minute. I had better back up there. No, I would not say I would never say I would never say never. Because, you know. If I say never would I say never. Well, you get the idea. Language. It be a slippery beast. That’s for sure.
If you get to a fork in the road…
Pick it up. It might be useful. Especially if it is made of silver. Which probably it won’t be. Probably it will be made of plastic. So then pick it up because it’s trash and it’s good to pick up trash. Make the world more beautiful. Where do you put the trash? In your pocket. Until you find a trash can. Some things in life are simple.
Of course, it is not necessarily that simple because your pocket is going to get messed up if the piece of trash is particularly nasty. So then don’t pick it up. Wait for someone else to do that. Like one of those guys on a chain gang. They have to have something to do. Pick up trash.
See? I got it all figured out.
Not.
Well, except for not ever taking heroin. Or saying I would never do that. And the plate of dog poop. That sort of thing.
Wow. What a note to end on. Well, let’s give it up for the letter Y. A round of applause. He did OK. Right?
We have a couple more comedians – performers. Let’s call them that. They might not all be funny. But you have to admit, they are performing. Who do we have next? Oh, wow. It’s a number. The number 7. Ok, give it up for number 7. Let’s see what he’s got.
I walked into the Seven Eleven. I said, wait a minute. Seven Eleven? Something doesn’t add up.
I stole that joke from Phil Hartman. The guy whose wife killed him. Not Rob Riener. He’s the guy who his son killed him and his wife. What is with these Hollywood people? You would think they maybe are kind of off the deep end.
4 score and 7 years ago… Our fathers brought forth a new nation. I remember that much. Lincoln. Right?
Look, ladies, I know I’m handsome. What can I say? I’ve got the right angles. Well, only one angle, to be precise about it.
Yeah. There are some men out there that also would find me attractive. I actually don’t swing that way. But I will mention them. I don’t want to leave anybody out.
Technically I have two angles. That’s just my type. I have a little angle on my forehead. One big angle where my head meets my neck, and one small angle that I just talked about just before.
I’m suave. Like Zeppo Marx.
Anybody want to date me? I’m a bachelor.
Actually, I’m in a relationship. It’s kind of complicated. I’m into polyamory. Maybe I should call it a relationships. Plural.
It’s actually very complicated. Somebody always wanting something. Just a bunch of selfish people cryin’ me me me all the time.
I put up with it.
For now.
What can I say? I like sex.
I mean, why else would I go for something like that?
Ok. Here’s a joke. I’m an upside-down nose.
I’m not going to do what Y did. Not going to stand on my head so you can see exactly what I’m talkin’ about. You will just have to imagine it.
I mean, exactly like a nose. A nice one, too. Sharp. A sharp nose. If anyone has a sharp nose for something, that would be me, if I turned myself upside-down.
Well, I know I’m not the funniest guy out there, but neither is Jimmy Falon and he did well.
I’m not funny. But I’m stylish. Put a couple of zeros in front of me. Wait. No. I guess they had better come before me. So put the zeros behind me. Yeah. I know that doesn’t sound good. But it looks good.
Thanks, ladies, for helping me out there. Double O Seven at yer sarvice.
He doesn’t really talk like that. I was talking like a pirate just then. Arg.
You wouldn’t know it from looking at me, but I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed. I look sharp. But that doesn’t mean I am sharp. The two don’t always go together.
I can’t count. You would think I could do that. I’m not really that good at math.
Unless you owe me some money. Then I’m good at math. I’ll just pull out my trusty calculator.
I have a calculator. I’m not about to do numbers in my head. That is what a calculator is for.
Sail the seven seas. You see? I’m a pirate.
Arg. Maty. Whar be the treasure? Pirates of the Caribbean.
Remember the guy with barnacles on his face? Or that guy with tentacles for a beard? God was he ugly.
That tentacles for a beard thing, really nasty looking. The CGI guys did a great job with it. Can you imagine being in a polyamorous relationship with somebody like that? Yuck. That would pretty much end sex for me.
And they do that with women, too. Make their hair look like tentacles and gooey, thick, snaky looking things. I’ve seen that done. It looks nasty. Kind of sluggish. Like a slug. Gross out.
Just thinkin’ about it gives me the shivers, and not in a good way. Bleck.
I think I’ve seen that done on Star Trek.
Hey, speaking of Star Trek, what’s with the alien get ups? Right? I mean, with a few exceptions, it looks like the make up person just said, well, let’s add a little here, a little there, now you look like an alien. It doesn’t work that way. They look much different than us. I don’t know what they look like, but they don’t look like someone with a fake nose and weird eyebrows and green face paint.
And what is it with those Ferengi Ears? Man, I guess they are good at listening in on conversations.
Just give the guy a big ass ear. That’ll make him look like an alien.
Let’s hear it for 7. That was…underwhelming. Ok. Our last bit. Last bit of the evening, people. Let’s make it a good one. We’re actually going to let I come back out again. He was so eager to tell some more jokes. Let’s see if he actually HAS any more jokes. Come on out here.
This is a test.
If it had been more than a test.
I forgot the rest.
I dunno.
I don’t expect everybody to get it.
I mean, if everybody got it…
If everyone told you to jump in a lake…
No. Wait a minute. That’s not it.
Look. I’m kinda wingin’ it.
I don’t expect to be funny every single time I get up here.
I’m not Robin Williams, for God’s sake.
Hell. Robin Williams isn’t even Robin Williams these days.
Is this thing on?
tap tap tap
You can hear me. Right?
I’m not just talkin’ to blank space.
The final frontier.
Ok, so there’s this talk going around that there are some look alikes that look just like me. Now, I have to tell you from the get-go, there is just one of me. There is absolutely nobody else like me. I am one of a kind. I know they say that about lots of things. But regarding me, it’s for real.
Nobody else is like me: I.
You are not me and I am not you.
Ok, yeah I know. You say I this and I that. That’s just the way you talk. That doesn’t mean you look like me. Do you look like the side of a steel I-beam? No. But I actually do. That’s what I am talking about.
I am singularly original.
Sorry to lay that heavy philosophy on you. Just had to get that off my chest. I know, I know. I don’t have much of a chest. I need to work out. Been eating too many salads. Not enough meat.
That’s actually a joke because…I don’t eat meat. I’m a vegetarian.
That’s…just a piece of information. I don’t expect to get a laugh out of that.
This is an informational comic.
Some of the time. SOME.
Look. Yeah, I know you go you I. But, well, so do I. What do we do about that? I know we got some things in common. I’m willing to concede that point.
Anyway, what I mean to say. Thanks for sticking with me this far. And let me tell you, the laughs are only about to begin. Well, at least that is what we are going for. Right?
Well, fortunately I have some help up here because…well…doing this all by myself, that would just be sad. And I’m here to make you happy. Right?
Look. We don’t just do comedy. I mean, yeah. We do it up here. But we also have a life. Don’t get me wrong. I love comedy as much as the next guy. But sometimes you just got to cry your eyeballs out. You know? At least I do. And I don’t even have eyeballs. Not that you can see, anyways.
I said the laughs are only beginning. Maybe what I really should have said is that the laughs are only going to get better. That is perhaps a better articulation of my thought.
I mean, if the laughs got worse. How does a laugh get worse anyway? It cannot do that, really.
What is a bad laugh? That’s…when you laugh at something bad, maybe. Don’t do that. I don’t suggest it. Only laugh at good things.
Good jokes, in other words. Don’t laugh at bad jokes. Well, you CAN. I’m not stopping you. In fact, it would be nice for my ego. But I really don’t need a lot of inflating. Had enough of that in my life already, thank you.
This is very surreal, being up here. I got to say.
Dreamlike. Like being in a dream.
Now I got to ask. Am I in your dream? Or are you in mine?
I come up with these things and I don’t even smoke weed. I used to. Back when it was not so powerful.
Now it’s like, FUTURE WEED. It didn’t used to be like that. If I had gone into the future and gotten some and brought it back to my friends, why, I would have been the most popular guy in high school. No lie. The kids would have worshipped me. Glad that didn’t happen.
Except it would have been so cool.
Hey, I, got some more of that future weed?
But that would mean I would have to be able to travel back into the past. You know very well that cannot be done. There are laws of physics… Well, actually, maybe it is possible. Who knows.
Only, there are these logical fallacies. Something like that. You cannot go back and marry your grandmother. I loved my grandmother, personally. But I wouldn’t have wanted to marry her. And have sex with her. That is what that would have meant. When you get married, you have sex. She was my grandmother. I mean, somebody that wants to marry their grandmother. You have a few problems. You need to see someone. Quick. Call the cops.
Not that there is anything particularly unattractive about old people. Just that, well, they’re old.
Would you want to, for example, have sex with Yoda? I mean, besides the fact that he’s a Muppet.
He’s an ancient wise old being. I dunno. Kind of inappropriate. But WTH. Who’s to judge? Better than having sex with somebody who is too young.
But still.
Future pot. I would have been so cool. In school.
I’m thinking. Weed has been around for a long time. How did we figure out how to make it so strong now when we didn’t know how to do that before?
You never know what the future holds.
As I think on it, if weed has gotten so strong, I wonder what has happened to the rest of the plants? What is the produce aisle like these days? It’s kind of getting like candy. I guess that is why so many people have got to have meat. To balance out the sweet.
If you can turn corn into Ethanol, which coincidently goes into gasoline… Corn is different, these days, than it once was. I would think.
We’re all addicts.
I don’t want to end on that cheery note. Facetious am I. (My Yoda imitation.)
How did they get away with making Yoda a Muppet? He even moves like one. Except in that scene where he fights one of the Dark Lords or whatever. Then he looks. Well, he looks. I don’t know, like a Muppet that’s a bat out of hell.
I’ll never understand Hollywood.
To be more exact, I understand Hollywood only too well.
Too much of the coca leaf. Snort snort. Inflata de ego.
Know what Ah mean? Vern?
Earnest. It’s a movie series. Maybe you have heard of it. YouTube that sucker.
Earnest does this. Earnest does that. Look it up.
I know that was a little bit scary when I inflated myself. And that was without the use of any intoxicants. Sorry.
I’ll do better next time. If there is a next time. I hope.
I mean, don’t get me wrong. We aren’t going anywhere. It’s you who I am worried about, quite frankly.
I’m having this identity crisis. You’ve been there a couple of hundred times. Right?
I-dent-IT-EE
Just being weird ‘n shit.
I’m going to go to sleep.
Snore. Honk. Shoe.
I look like an H.
Don’t do H. BTW. By the fucking way.
Ok. I’m awake again. That was a little visual humor.
You didn’t expect me to sleep on stage the whole time?
I thought not.
Ok. Now it has come the time to let you in on a little secret. I do magic tricks. Check it out.
Eyeballs. I know it looks weird. It’s actually kinda hard to do. I don’t do it a lot.
Check this one out. I learned this from Bewitched. You know? The show?
And now I’m back. See? Isn’t that cool?
You don’t know what I did to achieve that. Well, first thing was, I watched a lot of that show. Samantha Stevens. Yeah, we all had a crush on her.
You remember how she would wrinkle her nose to do magic. And then a little music would play.
Every single magical character had a little thing they would do to make magic. You know. Like Esmerelda, the mother in law, she would wave her arms about in this big gesture.
I’m sort of imagining the discussions and how that was decided on. The producers or director said, hey, you got to do something to make magic. And the lady playing Esmerelda – what was her name? Agnes Moorehead. Could you believe I pulled that one straight out of my ass.
Agnes Moorehead. I mean. Come on. I think I would have changed my name. The last name. You know.
And then one of the guys that played the husband. I don’t remember which one, the first one or the second one. His name was – get this: Dick Sargent.
I mean, the only thing worse than that would have been the other way around, if his name had been Sargent Dick.
I mean, what the hell we got goin’ on here? A porno show or somethin’?
Anyway, they all had some little (or big, in the case of the mother-in-law) they did to make magic. And guess what magic trick they did the most?
You got it. The disappearing reappearing act. They had that down.
There’s a reason for that. See, all you have to do is make that little magic gesture, and then the director yells “FREEZE.” Ok, then you freeze, like in a game of freeze tag. You become totally motionless. Then you know what they do? The tell the person to get out of the shot. And then the cameras start rolling again. Well, if someone else in in the shot, they have to freeze as well. See, it won’t work if they are moving around. Trust me. It won’t work. So everybody has to freeze. Not just the person that is going to disappear. And then that one person walks out of the shot and they start the camera rolling again. That’s how they do it.
And like, so, you know, it goes the same way if they want to appear in the shot. The director yells “FREEZE.” And everybody freezes. And then the magic person walks into the shot. See how easy that is? They would do that all the time on that show. You got to expecting it.
Daren would shout “Esmerelda!” That’s the mother-in-law. She was always up to know good. You know, poking her nose into everything and making magic. You know how it is with-mother-in-laws.
Daren would yell her name. “Esmerelda!” And then she would appear. But sometimes she wouldn’t because, she had an attitude. Fuck Daren. Right? The hell with him. I’m not showing up just because he’s calling me.
And sometimes what the magic people, the witches and warlocks – what they would do – they would like sit in the clouds and watch what was going on down there in Muggle Land. What with Daren fucking up all the time. What was with that guy?
We are all wondering the same thing. Why in God’s name would that man ever think to want to carry on as an advertising guy in some boring ass job when you could be doing whatever you want? I mean. We were all wondering about that. Seriously. How sadistic to himself can one man be?
Same thing with Gilligan’s Island. I mean, really. The professor would be getting major nookie all the time. And that did not seem to happen. Oh, well, once he kissed Ginger. Sure. That’s all.
Between you and me, I think there was a lot going on in Gilligan’s Island that we didn’t see.
And that whole thing about Mary Anne or Ginger? Who would you pick? I mean, Mary Anne. Sure. But, come on. Ginger? Jesus Christ!
We’ve all been there. Not.
As for the rest of them, I am not going to speculate. Well, maybe a little. Was Gilligan gay? What about the Skipper? What was going on there? Little Buddy.
I tell you what, if I had made that show, it would have been way different. Let us assume that all the men on that show were straight. They would be falling over themselves and fighting each other the whole time for attention from those women. I wouldn’t be surprised if they had gotten homicidal about it. Alone? On an island? With that? Come on. Give me a break.
I mean even Lovey, Thurston’s wife, would have started looking good. The hell with your money. Dude. You had better treat your wife right or I will step in the backdoor if you know what I mean.
Quit drinking on those silly drinks Gilligan makes for you and do something. Get our ass up and work.
It wouldn’t have been the same show. It would have been Ginger – and Mary Anne’s Island. Yeah.
The hell with getting off the Island. The whole premise would have changed to Getting Off ON the Island.
Ok. So later came the show “Three’s Company.” Oh, that was a cute show. I mean, talk about titillation. Holy shit. This was pre-porn years. This was the soft porn type of show you had other than to step into some nasty video place with nasty yellowish goo on the walls and shit.
Now. Seriously. Jack didn’t get any? And all of them were single? Give me a break.
Jack would have been laying some major pipe in that show. As far as I’m concerned he probably did. Off camera. The actors, I mean. That includes actresses when I say that. You don’t think so? I do.
Ok. Enough with the sex talk. I’ve had enough of that. Seriously. It’s just too frustrating to think about.
Well, I do go on. How are we doing for time? That’s a joke. BTW. I’ll tell it. What did David Letterman say to Paul when they were in prison? “How we doin’ on time, Paul? Time?”
David Letterman. Remember him? You know what a David Letterman joke is? The joke is that the joke is not funny. That’s the joke. That’s the one he tells all the time. And you know why? Because he’s not funny. Only he is funny because he’s not funny. That’s the joke. I call it “The David Letterman Joke.”
I’m good at the David Letterman joke. That seems to be my specialty. NOt happy about that. Working on it. But he did fantastically good with that. Don’tcha think?
David Letterman..
Just go on and grill your guests – especially the women. And make them feel bad and shit. Stuff like that. Misogynist crap. Not nice.
And then there were the Stupid Pet Tricks. Which were really pretty good. I guess. Although I think it is kind of mean to call them STUPID Pet Tricks. Isn’t that kind of mean? Stupid Pet Tricks. Does that mean the pet is stupid? Or the owner? Or both of them? Probably both of them. Right?
So, really, Letterman made a career out of making everybody look bad. Calling them names and hurting their feelings. Don Rickles times a thousand. Maybe even ten. Ellen I hear has kind of done that as well.
Well I’m here to tell ya I would never stoop so low.
You know what would have been a great trick? Fill the dog or whatever beast with lots of food and have it poop on the stage. That would have been a great trick.
I guess if that ever happened, they would have to edit it out. Only the show was supposed to be live. Well, it wasn’t, actually. It was taped. So of course they could have changed it. I bet there were a whole lot of watchable unintentional bloopers regarding the “stupid” pet tricks.
We’ll never know.
Dog poop. On the brain. So gross. It came into my mind because another comic was up here talking about it. Wasn’t he? Who was that? Oh, yeah. The letter Y. You got to watch that guy.
I was on social media. Twitter/X. Of course. When I tell you, you would say the same thing. I saw a picture of a dog pooping on there. Today I saw that. I couldn’t believe it. Well, actually, I can because – it’s Twitter/X. Emphasize X. Mr. Musk-adine grape. I just added that for fun. He’s not really a grape. More like… He’s nuts. Ok?
Look… A guy who personally involves himself with the engineering and company designs and they come up with a car that looks like a tomb – a friggin’ casket. And get this: It’s a death trap. If the car crashes, it is very likely to catch on fire. Not all cars do that. But the way that car was built with the electric battery underneath it. Yeah, it catches on fire and get this. Nobody can get out of the car. That is the way it is built.
So it is literally a death trap. And it looks like a casket. And Musk is proud of that design? Yeah. He can help Trump build his battleship. I can’t wait.
Where did these guys go to school and what were they doing during that time?
Because they certainly weren’t learning anything about design.
And now we’re going to have a fascist ballroom at the White House.
Trump fired the first architect because the first architect looked at the idea and said – I paraphrase – “UM, no. This is a terrible idea. A bad design. It won’t work.” So, Trump fired him. See? That’s how you get rid of the problem. Just fire the architect. That’ll take care of things.
Or maybe the architect quit. He might have quit. I don’t remember. All I know is that the architect was certain that the design was terrible. The architect felt that way.
Now, correct me if I’m wrong. But, if the architect thinks the design of what you are planning to build is very bad, don’t you think that’s important feedback?
I do.
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